2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
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MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.