My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
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cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.