Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
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FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
S M O L
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.