Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
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As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
This is a whole mood;
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.