[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
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not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
What’s this sorcery? 😂
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.