me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
You Might Also Like
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
BaD BoY!!
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.