Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
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My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
If snakes were wide
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda