Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
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My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.