I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
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BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
NASA has no chill
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Good Morning.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂