Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
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All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
I am crying