The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
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How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
no refunds
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
why am I working on Labor Day
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
paddle faster i hear baby shark
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes