I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
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I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I’d hang this in my house.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something