Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
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Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates