ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
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Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
I have two kinds of followers
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I’m calling the cops.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.