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God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
My birthstone is a marshmallow
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.