Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
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I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”