Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
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i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*