The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
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The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
😩😩😩
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Born to be mild.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
it was love at first sight
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.