Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
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cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Catercrombie & Fish
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Morning.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog