Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
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[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Wait hamburger chips aren鈥檛 potato chip flavored hamburgers I鈥檝e been living a lie
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don鈥檛 you.
Me: Silently? No.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Me: Soooo it鈥檚 our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Santa said I can鈥檛 have a pool boy 鈥榯il I get a pool. Foiled again.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 馃幎I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty馃幎
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
What the hell is going on?
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Am I having a stroke?
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Women鈥檚 magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe