Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing

I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

[sexting]

Her: Are you naked?

Me (taking a shit): Yes

Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.

I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.

this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job

Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.

Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.

Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!

[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]

wife: I should have been the one to do it

me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house

Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”

ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong

SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you

ME: *under breath* damn, son

HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.

Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?

“Mom, it’s-”

*dad makes throat slice gesture*

“No one, Mom. No one”

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle