pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
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Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”