He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
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Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG