Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
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How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless