interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
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Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.