Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
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Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear