Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
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When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!