Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
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[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
it must be school picture day
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today