[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
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In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.