Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
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I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”