There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
You Might Also Like
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?