I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
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Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan