What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
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I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
what kind of cook setting is this??
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!