if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
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I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.