Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
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[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Born to be mild.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer