Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
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me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?