Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
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Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first