For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
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People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.