If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
You Might Also Like
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
the greatest twitter interaction
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.