*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
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8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out