Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
You Might Also Like
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.