Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
You Might Also Like
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
screw you
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.