Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
You Might Also Like
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.