I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
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[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
How it started How it’s going
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
This is a sub tweet
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics