Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
You Might Also Like
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving