Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
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Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
NASA has no chill
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.