I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
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*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.