Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
You Might Also Like
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
A dad and his duck
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”