Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
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*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
reduce, reuse, recycle
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Is this you?
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Good morning
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.