Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
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me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter